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QUESTION: Introductions on most other websites tend to be happy affairs. The newcomer
offers up some chocolate, tells his/her story of personal ordeal, and sums up
that he/she is "glad to have found you all". It's a celebration of life.
I wish I could be posting here under more genial circumstances, but I am at
wit's end. I'm dealing with two elderly parents with Alzheimer's, and last
night I got the word that they are to be kicked out of their third
assisted-living situation in less than eight months. They lasted only two
weeks at the present one.
And home care is out of the question for us because I travel on business.
Now I have to find a nursing home, go through all the documentation again,
cough up another $7,000 dollars, and get them moved---all this week, because
I'm leaving Friday for an extended business trip.
I have been subscribed to this website since February, when my private hell
began. I may have posted something back then; my rage was so strong, I can't
remember.
Now, the rage is over. I'm simply exhausted, mentally and physically. I've
visited this website a couple of times in the interim, but I'm sorry to say,
I had very little to offer anyone by way of support, because my own experience
has been brief and woefully un-informed.
I've observed that all of you are travelling through a complex set of "stages"
of understanding and dealing with this disease. While resources about
Alzheimer's are readily available, there's no one solution to every situation.
And in our case, the whole situation can completely change overnight.
Because my parents are frail physically, (he is 89 and she's 85), their decline
has been so rapid in the last eighteen months, that it's impossible to plan
ahead for anything.
But it's my lack of understanding of this disease that has led to many costly
mistakes. To be in denial is one thing---but then you wake up and realize what
a multitude of blunders because there was no planning in advance. For
example, we had no Power of Attorney until February. I didn't know that my
dad hadn't paid his bills in months.
I didn't know that my dad still had most of his money in the stock market!
Most of it is gone, now, because of the downturn. Tell me, how does a
stockbroker with a conscience keep an 89-year-old in a volatile market?
But of course it was my fault for not taking charge sooner. I accept that.
And then there's the big mistake about putting them into assisted living. These
facilities are all out for your business. They convince you that mom and dad
aren't ready for the nursing home yet, and "isn't this so much more humane"
than a urine-stench filled nursing home? Then they throw them out when they
realize they are too much to handle.
I saw the other thread about this (mentioning Sunrise), and I had to agree
with one of the replies which said in effect that plush carpets and fine
furniture and fancy food don't mean squat for people who are far gone
mentally. However, I think that for people in good physical health and in the
early stages of Alzheimer's, these places could be wonderful. And even at
$6000-7000 per month, they are cheaper than skilled nursing homes.
Our problem was thinking my parents deserved to live in dignity in nice
surroundings. What a pathetic assumption on my part!
We have enough cash to pay for six months of nursing care and then they become
wards of the state. There will be no inheritance (as if I give a damn).
Just a moment ago, I got another call from the owner of their living facility.
They are calling the ambulance because they think my dad has pneumonia.
I'm off to the hospital. And I'm not even anxious about it anymore. I'm just
very tired.
ANSWER: You have my sympathy. You can only do what you can do, Bob. I hope your
father's health quickly improves.
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