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Can anyone with more experience give me any guidance forAssisted Living San Diego, here?
QUESTION: I'm new here, and I've come hoping to get input from those further along
in this process than I. Here's the dilemma:
My mom is in the early-middle stages of Alzheimer's -- still knows who we
all are, still can tell you who the President is, can still keep her self
clean and get dressed, but can't be trusted to drive without getting lost,
can't process new information, hallucinates conversations that never
happened, that sort of thing.
Eighteen months ago, my brother and his wife helped mom move from her home
of 15 years, which was a good 45 minute drive from their place, to a house
right around the corner from them (Chicago suburbs). They did it largely
because the writing was on the wall about mom's driving, yet she insisted
on driving up often to visit, and also because it was clear she needed
someone to keep an eye on her, make sure she got her medication, do any
heavy stuff that needed doing, etc.
At the time, Mom was onboard about all of this, thought it was a great
idea, participated happily in househunting. But 18 months later she's
sure they moved her against her will, she hates her new house, she misses
her old house and her old town, she's lonely, and she's increasingly
resentful.
We're all aware that what she really misses, mostly, is the days when she
was well and competent and working, but we're also anxious to help her
find some way to be happier. Except for Alzheimer's, Mom is in excellent
shape, and there's every possibility she'll live another 10, 15, even 20
years (She's about to turn 76.)
Mom recently visited my house for 10 days, then my sister's for another 10
days (a good 2000 miles away -- I live in Southern Indiana, my sister in
San Diego.) She really enjoyed both visits, and keeps talking about how
she just wants to "live near family." She also waxes nostalgic about her
cousin who used to have both her mother and MIL living with her, and how
nice it was in the days when "families all lived together." The meaning is
pretty clear. (It also hurts my brother and SIL a bit -- they see her
every day, and do a *lot* for her, and she spends a lot of time with her
only grandkids, but she apparently can't see that as "living near
family.")
My sister is willing to add a room and a bath, and let Mom move in until
such a time as that becomes unteneble -- but only if it's really going to
be the solution. The thing is, Mom's not capable of realizing that the
reason she has such a nice time when she's here, or with my sister, is
that we take the week off, and spend all of our time *doing things with
her.* If she moves in with one of us, she's still going to be on her own
a lot of the time -- my sister is generally out of the house nearly 12
hours a day. We don't want to spend 50K on a room addition, and move mom
all the way across country, only to have her unhappy again.
It has occurred to me that possibly Mom could move to my sister's, and
participate in an Alzheimer's daycare program.
In the meanwhile, I've looked at a very good retirement center just 5-10
minutes from my house. They have everything from duplex bungalows, for
people who are still independant, through condos with some services and a
dining room residents can eat in or not, as they choose, through assisted
living -- a one room studio with housekeeping, and all meals in the dining
room, through -- and sadly this will someday be necessary --
a locked-door Alzheimer's ward. I'm satisified that the place is well and
compassionately run.
I drove mom through the community while she was here, and she thought it
looked very nice, but she's assuming that she'd move into one of the
bungalows. We're not convinced she can maintain that level of
independence -- she's burned a few meals, and never has figured out how to
use her new oven. Also, the folks at the center tell me -- and they know
more than I -- that it's better to move people to a greater level of
support than they need, so that as the disease progresses, there are fewer
changes of place and personnel. Also, if we move her into a bungalow,
then a condo, then assisted living, each move will be a new sense of
loss -- loss of space, loss of independence, loss of her stuff.
Just as worrisome, I'm pretty sure that even if Mom would be okay in a
bungalow, she wouldn't remember to participate in the activities around
the place -- she'd sit in her bungalow and feel lonely. I think she'd be
better, at the very least, in one of the condos, where she mostly ate in a
dining room, and ran into people, and was reminded of what was going on.
But even still, within a year or two she'd have to be moved into assisted
living -- again, a hard change. Part of me thinks we should just move her
into assisted living *now*. She'd have people around all the time, eat
all her meals with the same people who would, one hopes, become friends,
have someone to remind her about her medication, someone to gently prod
her to participate in activities.;
But she already complains that we made her "get rid of all her things"
when we helped her move to her new house. (We made her get rid of fabric
scraps from sewing projects thirty years ago, 40 pairs of worn-out old
underwear, 25 ancient toothbrushes, that sort of thing. But any time she
can't find something, she's sure we made her get rid of it.) If she moves
into assisted living, she really *will* have to get rid of *most* of her
things, and I'm certain she's going to take it really hard.
Of course, if she moves to my sister's house, she's going to have to get
rid of most of her stuff, too.
Anyway, we're really unsure of what to do. There really aren't any happy
solutions, the happy solution would be for someone to invent the Brain
Transplant tomorrow.
Thankfully, money is not a big obstacle here. Mom has a pension and
substantial assets, and while she divorced my dad 20 years ago, he stands
ready to help if needed -- he's the one who would pay for the addition to
my sister's house.
Can anyone with more experience give me any guidance, here? I realize
this is very long, and I thank you for your patience and help.
ANSWER: my personal opinion is that your last thoughts are the correct ones, near
you,
and condo or assisted living. Bear in mind that no choice will be perfect,
or even
satisfactory, you just end up choosing the least-worst option, but I think
you recognise this :-(
You will probably have to settle for what she is agreeable to of course, so
that might mean the progression of moves you mentioned, but at least they
are all in the same place. And her learning from one to the other will
probably be much less of an issue than you think, one of the most
debikitating aspects of Az is the ability to learn new things, so the fact
she was in a new apt last year wont matter, she'll have forgotten*
Any choice that involves her being on her own all day isnt good, one mistake
and the house will get burned down or she'll wander off somewhere, a strong
point in favour of your choice,so a move into your, or your sisters house is
likely to be of limited duration, eventually she will need round the clock
'care' which from the sound of it you will be unable to provide.
Finally, Anthony will hate me for saying this, but in the nicest possible
way, you shouldnt take her choices into account too heavily, in the same way
you wouldnt take a 2 year olds wishes to drive, cook or use scissors
unsupervised, and as time goes by her ability to make good choices will
diminish. The mere fact she continued to drive with Az is a sign of this.
Do you have legal and medical POAs?
Good luck and realise how lucky you are that you have the rest of your
family all working together on this.
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