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QUESTION: I think I am at the point of "the decision." Last week
on Tuesday, Mom {87 now.} refused to go to her six month dental
cleaning. On Wednesday she refused to go to day care. So I called the
MD and got in to see him. She had lots of complaints and I didn't know
if her complaints were real or a "trick." He did think she had a
bladder infection and put her on meds. As any woman knows, who has had
this, it is important to drink lots of fluids. She refused to drink
even as much as she normally does. Friday I took her day care and
kept her in the wheel chair so her legs wouldn't hurt. She seemed to do
fine and they had Mothers Day doings, so she enjoyed it. She also went
to Sat. day care without much problem. I take her there normally.
Sunday all the kids and grandkids {mine} came over and brought a crab
apple tree and planted it for me. It is beautiful. We all had a good
time and no complaints from her. So, today, Monday, and a day care day,
I didn't think I would have a problem. Wrong.......... She work up and
said her left arm and leg hurt and I couldn't get close to her. She
wanted to just stay in bed. Trying to get her up was useless. She did
get up and by the time I contacted the MD. and found out it wasn't a
stroke or it wouldn't be hurting, but was probably muscle cramping from
not drinking, I was very frustrated as the whole day was shot and by
now she was claiming the reason her arm hurt so was because I had
"pulled her out of bed so hard." I haven't ever pulled her out of bed!!
So I have hired a person to come in and help me this week for three
days, as I still have to work. And because she is still not drinking,
although more than she has been, I finally told her not to drink and we
could get her into the hospital quicker and they would get her hydrated
Well, as you can imagine, she started to drink more, I guess just to
defy me. I truly do hope to get her into the hospital before the end of
the week, and I am going to look for a nursing home. I have checked one
out already. I can't just stay home on the days she decides she wants
to just "cuz." And I am not a nurse and don't want to be one. And my
home isn't going to be a nursing home. She went to bed a 4 PM. And it
is 1:30 AM and she still isn't asleep. She slept from 4-6! I am way to
tired and I think it is time. She won't go easy but I will do what I
need to. She tells me she won't stay there and will leave anyway,
because she doesn't need a nursing home. It has been three years this
September and for a women who sleeps as little as she does, I don't know
how she is still alive. I think she may be
afraid if she sleeps she will die.
I am just too tired and am no longer helpful to her with my frustration.
I promised myself I would do it as long as I could and as long as I was
helpful. I am "there." I am not helpful and I just don't want to! And
I am starting to "not care." I am going to need all the support I can
get. Hope you are all there with lots of Kleenex! I guess I thought I
could do it forever. I can't.
ANSWER: You've shown an astonishing amount of fortitude in seeing to your mom thus
far. I could never have done what you've done. Wouldn't even try, I don't
think, except in dire straights. Please, don't beat yourself up. Find the
best place you can for her and that will probably be the best thing for
both of you. You may be surprised; perhaps she'll adjust nicely and you'll
wish you'd done this ages ago. Good for you for facing it now. There's
lots of good info in the faq to help you get your ducks in a row.
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